What Does it Really Mean to be an Empath?
With mental health becoming a healthy trend in our society, you’ve probably heard the term “Empath” being used in social media such as viral TikTok videos or even on Quora with people discussing what it means to be an empath. However, did you know that many of the trending definitions of “mental health experiences'' on the internet are actually incorrect?
It’s ok if you don't know. That’s why we're here to help provide education that helps normalize and destigmatize seeking mental health support. We want you to be well and thriving. We also want to ensure you correctly attribute your experiences with words that are most fitting so that you can seek the appropriate avenue to resolve unwelcomed cycles. So, let’s jump straight in!
What Are Empaths?
We, clinicians, have seen the term “empath” being pointed to incorrectly as a disorder and an explanation of toxic patterns, why one continues giving love when there is none to receive.
Being an empath is a spiritual gift that, when identified and used to your advantage, can really help you thrive and stay ten steps ahead of most people rather than being their footstool.
Let’s look at the definition of an empath in the Oxford dictionary.
An empath is a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another.
Therefore an empath is someone who has a spiritual gift to detect whether a person is good or not, or whether they’re toxic or not, and they have insider wisdom to move accordingly rather than getting caught up with them if they aren’t in a healthy space.
Now, most people would say they are an empath if they find themselves in relationships that are draining, toxic, not mutually beneficial; this is not consistent with an empath.
This is more consistent with having a struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries and a struggle to honor what your inner wisdom is telling you about a person, place, or situation. Yep, that pesky word that doesn't seem to go away - BOUNDARIES.
After polling several therapists, 100% have found that clients who identify as empaths needed some work around boundaries and even unresolved trauma. What was seen as a struggle as an empath was really an old trauma bond being reenacted. Let me explain a bit about codependency to help bring it home.
How to Determine if You’re An Empath?
Determining whether you’re an empath doesn’t really require you to do the math. Remember, being an empath is a gift where you can quite easily sense a person’s feelings or thoughts. Although it has been chiefly portrayed incorrectly that empaths are people who are easily victimized, specifically narcissist abuse, an empath is actually a person that can sense them and avoid being in that situation.The person who mostly depends on other people to validate their feelings, takes on others problems (energy), and feels overly responsible for others is better explained as codependence.
What is Codependency?
The definition of codependency given by Pia Mellody, a leading expert in this arena is:
These are people who do more than their share, much of the time. They have a tendency to become hurt when people don't recognize their efforts. A codependent person has an unhealthy dependence on relationships, and will do just about anything to hold onto it to avoid being abandoned or “rocking the boat.” They have a need for approval (to avoid rejection) and recognition of their worthiness.
Healing from Codependence Is Possible
Sometimes, it can be hard to swallow the reality of how we are actually showing up. It takes courage and a safe space to process through it. Building awareness requires being honest about why we do what we do. Practice asking yourself, why more rather than asking “why others do what they do.” Maybe, your breakthrough lies on the other side of your WHY.
As I’ve mentioned, an empath is a gifted person, someone with a paranormal ability to emotionally or spiritually sense a person's intention or mental state before or after they talk to them.
Like those who are empaths, codependents are some of the most amazing people you’ll ever meet. Sweet as can be and will do anything for you. Recovering codependents are even sweeter because they eventually lose the trait of guilt tripping or being passive aggressive when someone doesn't respond the way they felt they should’ve after a gesture of sacrifice, for example.
Here’s a graphic that will give you a clear comparison of an empath and someone who may be dealing with codependency (boundary issues).
I can also give you an example of a situation so that you can picture it more:
“Let’s say Bethany had a friend who often “forgot” to send her half of the bill when they’d go out to eat.
Bethany, being kind, would pick up the check, and tell her friend to Zelle her, her portion of the bill. Since Bethany is adverse to conflict and doesn't want others to get upset with her or misconstrue her intentions, she doesn't say anything to her friend when they payment isnt sent.
So Bethany goes to therapy and states she believes she’s an empath because she absorbs her friends emotions and responsibility and she doesn't know what to do about it.
She also mentions that she feels others take advantage of her kind heart. In the session, Bethany learns how to set functional boundaries and talks about what it means to absorb others' responsibility and how to differentiate that from absorbing their emotions. Bethany takes a step to practice setting functional boundaries around her finances and emotions with this friend by asking the waiter for separate checks when they dined out together. Bethany begins to experience more joy and peace in her relationships and interpersonally.”
Breaking the cycle of codependency takes practice, patience, and intentionality with a large dose of awareness. I want you to always remember that getting started, already means you’ve taken hundreds of steps ahead.
The Bottomline
After reading this article, you likely understand the difference between an empath and someone struggling to set healthy boundaries, also called codependency. If you’re struggling with setting boundaries, I encourage you to schedule an appointment with one of our clinicians to help you level up in this area of your life. Talk soon!